Simply Put, Christina Michelle.

I hate how you make me feel like this even when you’re not here with me. Stop it.

Fri, 10 May 2013 22:23:50 -0400

I hate how you make me feel like this even when you’re not here with me. Stop it.

I pity you a little.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 21:20:25 -0400

It makes me sad that all you see is ink. I am so much more than that.

For why?

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 00:08:44 -0400

Why do we miss the ones that leave? Or even the ones we’ve left? Surely there is a reason for them not to be here anymore. But that doesn’t matter, because we still miss them. And there are moments where we wait for them to walk through the door, like they always did. But they don’t. And parts of us are glad they don’t. While other parts weep. But why? Why must we miss them? Does it make us grow? Because sometimes it reduces us to small children grasping for our blankies in the dark, praying that the monster under the bed isn’t too hungry tonight. And that can’t be good for us. We hurt for them like they are a phantom part of us, we cannot see it, but we know it hurts. And then it’s like they never even existed. We think nothing of them. Not a word. And it’s alright. Some days we remember and we hate them. Hate every little thing we’ve ever done with them, and that hurts too. And there are other days that we know they are gone and we neither miss them nor despise them. We are blissfully in between. And it’s in these in between moments, that some of us get nervous. Because we never want the one we are missing or not missing to ever be blissfully in between about us. We want them to yearn for us. Even if we don’t care for them. And I don’t understand. And I do not see the point in missing the ones that are gone. But you cannot turn it off. And sometimes it grips you deep in your sleep. And you wake with the knowledge that they will never come back. And you miss them. I want to understand.

Bendy straws for our anniversary. @littlemissfine #us #cute...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 22:39:03 -0400

Bendy straws for our anniversary. @littlemissfine #us #cute #girlfriendshenanigans #anniversary

Ughh

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 05:42:19 -0400

it is practically 5 o’clock in the morning, and I’m still awake. I hate having bronchitis. Stupid liquid in the lungs. Feels like I’m drowning.

He takes the best care of me. My Matty. And crotchbeans. ;p

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 05:39:30 -0400

He takes the best care of me. My Matty. And crotchbeans. ;p

Hipster on accident.

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 05:38:56 -0400

Hipster on accident.

I must find Andrew. I need Andrew. Right now.

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 16:15:57 -0500

I must find Andrew. I need Andrew. Right now.

Yes, meet my silly little hand holder.

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 17:57:55 -0500

Yes, meet my silly little hand holder.

Oh my Darling.

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 12:24:12 -0500

You have ruined me. I am so used to seeing you everyday that you go out of town for a weekend, and I was about to call you for lunch, then remembered that you’re gone and I am so sad. I see you everyday. Every freaking day. I have never wanted to see someone every day. I love you. You, stupid silly hand holder.

Why does it hurt me to say this?

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 19:56:14 -0500

I loved you. The pain in my chest when I say this phrase is nearly overwhelming. I feel like it might bring me to my knees. I loved you. I did. I loved who I was with you, and who you were with me. But I loved you. And I don’t anymore. But it hurts to say that I did love you, just as much as when I say I don’t anymore. You won’t miss my love. You aren’t lacking without it. But I am. I feel like a part of me is missing now that I don’t love you anymore. I miss her. That me in the flowers. But I am glad she is gone. This new me is happier than I ever thought I could be. But it hurts that I don’t love you anymore. And I am sorry that I don’t, but I am growing up and letting go. And you are just a piece of the past that doesn’t deserve to be in my future. Why does this hurt to say?

Remember Denial

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 01:41:37 -0500

Remember. But I don’t want to. Remember, they ask. They beg, they plead. Remember. What for? Will they come back if I remember? No. So let’s pack up the rooms. Lock all the doors and stop trying this remembering thing. We are doomed, there is a price on our heads. Who are you? Nobody. Nothing. Shit, I’m remembering. Banging my head against the dash. Hit the gas, ignore my tears. I’m fine. The car is full of all these thing and none of them are mine. But this isn’t the car. What, where are we? I can’t remember. I don’t want to remember. So stop asking. He didn’t have anything to do with this, I called him to get me out of here. No, I don’t remember, I can’t remember. I won’t. Stop, sit down, shut up. Let me out of here! Where’d he go? Didn’t I call him an hour ago? No? What, I’m not remembering right? No! You want to trick me into remembering. You want me to stumble then tumble headfirst into the memory. I refuse to tell you. Nothing happened, and I’m nobody. Forget this shit. No this isn’t paint on my hands. He deserved it. And I remember everything. Every last detail. He deserved it. And it hurt, and it was hard. And I remember nothing. I am no one. I’m going to die in here aren’t I? And eye for an eye right? My name? I’ve forgotten. I am Nobody.

Stepping out of my comfort zone with you.

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 17:43:10 -0500

I have been sick, and you have been bringing me soup and ginger-ale And you have been letting me curl up on your chest and sleep while you watch movies. You are changing things about me that I never thought I would let anyone change. I need help, and I am willing to ask you for it. Thank you for the strength to do that. I love it when you’re near to me. What a wonderful silly little hand holder you are. :))

By the way, my name is not Caitlyn.

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 19:46:56 -0500

Yesterday, when we were in bed, you lied to me. I don’t think you realized it. But you did. Amidst us teasing and laughing you called me, Caitlyn. My name is not Caitlyn. And you tried to save yourself and say that you were telling me about the fact that she was texting you all day. And that she had the night before, and that when I showed up you didn’t text her back. And that she was upset. Because you were giving me your attention. As it should be. But later when you were still apologizing, and we were talking about how we cared for one another, you said that it had hurt you to call me Caitlyn. So you did call me Caitlyn, you weren’t merely mentioning her. (there, that was the lie) It hurt you? It bricked my heart up, and made my appetite run from me. And I know you love me, but saying it doesn’t take back the fact that it was not my name. My name is not Caitlyn. And I feel like there are miles between us, like I have never felt with someone to whom I am as close to as I am with you. I am unreachable to you now. And it hurts me to say so. There are bricks even now as I write this cementing on and around my stained-glass heart. This will work, and we will be alright, eventually. But right now it is very dark. And I cannot see the stars, and I hear thunder rumbling, and I am afraid of the storm. And I don’t want you to touch me, or come near me. I could not bear it. I melt under your fingertips and I lose all sense of me. Gravity tugs me closer, and down to my knees. But then I leave, and it hurts a little more. My name is not Caitlyn. I am not her. I never will be. I am not sorry if these words seem unkind, or harsh, and I am not angry. I am wounded, I am tired, I am heartbroken, I am confused, I am longing for you to return to me. So when you see me next, and I am out of sorts, know that pieces of me want you to suffer, to writhe in agony, other parts just want you to see the wounds you have re-opened with you words. But most of me wants you to know that all I want to do is curl up in your bed and cry with the sent of you holding me captive, because I cannot bear to look at you.

Goodbye You. Hello Closure.

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 13:47:41 -0500

One of these days you will see me. And I will look the same, but different. And you will be struck by the horrible things you’ve done to me. And you will see that all I ever did for you and to you was that I loved you. And you will be seized with pain, and love for me will surge through you. You will try and catch my eye, and I will turn your way. I will embrace you, and your tears will be pressed upon my cheeks from the force of your embrace. And I will pull back, and I will smile. And I will walk away.

Packing For The Beach

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 01:01:27 -0500

I have to be at my mom’s in like an hour. We are leaving at like three or for in the morning. Ooops. Waaaay to put off packing until literally the final hours. XD

I am sleepy tired. Come cuddle with me.

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 01:09:41 -0500

I am sleepy tired. Come cuddle with me.

The feels. I come home and Howl's Moving Castle is on T.V.

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 22:25:40 -0400

Please help Howl take his heart back. Oh the feels. Oh those darn feels.

Wow, Sophie, your hair looks just like starlight, it’s beautiful!

THE FEELS!!!!

We chase each other, with our own tails in our mouths. Circling, hunting, with fangs in our skin. We...

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 00:44:07 -0400

We chase each other, with our own tails in our mouths. Circling, hunting, with fangs in our skin. We yearn for one another, but we are tied to others. Why the hell are we dancing?

I have something to tell you. But you’re dead.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 00:17:35 -0400

I have something to tell you. But you’re dead.